I have learned along the way that work-life balance really has little to do with balance. It is all about priorities in the moment and hoping for some equilibrium over time. One week the priorities will be weighted more toward life and home and the next week the priorities will be weighted in the opposite direction. Work for lawyers is not a nine-to-five job, and equal treatment and true balance cannot be expected at all times. It is a struggle.
Throughout the struggle, we never can forget the importance of family. I was reminded of that last weekend at our Blakely family gathering in beautiful Virginia, with fly-ins from abroad by our State Department cousins. And, in July, the Smith family will convene in Montana for some fun on the ranch and catching up with the fly fishing contingent from Argentina. We always work like mad in the weeks leading up to the these events so that we can give our full attention to our loved ones while we are with them. Yet, we recognize that it doesn’t always work out that way.
In my book, The New Balance for Today’s Woman Lawyer, I offer a multitude of assists to help lawyer/moms achieve as close to a reasonable balance as possible. But I know how difficult that can be, and I do not make judgments. However, when I do hear something that sounds off kilter, I call it out.
For example, recently I read a response by a newly-minted woman law partner when she was asked “How do you juggle being a working mom?” Her response was “Sometimes things drop. Sometimes you’re going to miss things. Sometimes you’re going to miss a child’s birthday party, maybe even your own child’s.” Although I did not disagree with her, I also was pretty sure that it was the “tough” response she was after and that she had little experience sacrificing such important events. If she had, her response would have been much more thoughtful and would have acknowledged that choices like that can break a parent’s heart even if it is the right choice.
I have some experience with that. I missed my own child’s 4th birthday party because I was preparing for a trial that started the following day. I did not wear it as a badge of courage or talk about it as an example of how dedicated I was to the practice of law. I knew that sometimes you cannot avoid it, that stuff happens and clients depend on you. It does not mean that you do not love your child, but a sacrifice like that also should not be taken lightly.
So, if you had asked me that same question “How do you juggle being a working mom?” I would have answered without the bravado but with a recognition that the choices can be very, very hard. But we must be prepared to make them.
You notice that I did not say which child’s birthday party I missed. I will let my two kids duke it out over who mom loves the most. Is it the corporate lawyer or the prosecutor? I am happy to be a mere bystander on that one!
