The recent article in the July/August edition of Atlantic magazine by Anne-Marie Slaughter, “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All,” hit the news stands and the Internet last Friday and has caused nothing short of a frenzy. The following Monday, Professor Slaughter stated on MSNBC Morning Joe that the on-line article already had received 800,000 hits. The editor of Atlantic that same day reported in an interview on NPR that the article received the most activity of any article in the history of the magazine.
So, what’s the frenzy all about? What is causing the buzz?
Well the buzz for me is likely to be a little different than the buzz for most other readers. The experience of the author is consistent with the stories that I have heard from so many women lawyers, including the over 70 women lawyers who have contributed accounts of their personal experiences to the Best Friends at the Bar project. The article, which really is an essay, and the reaction to it completely validate the work that Best Friends at the Bar has been doing on behalf of women lawyers for the last five years. In fact, for those of us who have been spreading the messages of Best Friends at the Bar, reading the essay is like hearing an echo in the room. “You cannot have it all” is a message that runs throughout our work. You can have some of it all of the time, all of it some of the time, but it is the rare woman lawyer who can have all of it all of the time.
For other readers, the essay raised issues that they either had never given thought to or were buried so deep in their own experiences that unleashing them was like turning on a fire hose. The result was powerful and hard to control, and the responses evidenced just how deep the issues of competing interests and the feelings of inadequacy and despair by working mothers are imbedded in the fabric of family life in America.
What makes Professor Slaughter’s article so relevant to my work is that she is a lawyer, and she is writing about things that are very personal to her as a lawyer and a mother. She had a very high level job at the State Department before she resigned her position to return to teaching at Princeton to accommodate the needs of her family. In the essay, she alludes to a difficult time in the life of her teenage son and the hard choice that she faced in deciding to leave a job she loved to spend more time with her family.
It’s a common theme, and, if you have read the Best Friends at the Bar books, you have heard it from me, from my contributors, and you will hear it again from the women, who are profiled in the second book that is due out soon. These personal stories are important to us not only as examples that resonate but also because they make us understand that we are not alone.
There are no easy answers, and that is just as clear from the essay as it is in my books. There is no single solution to these dilemmas, and it is different for every woman. Some women lawyers will make it to the corner office and take their seats at the partnership tables, and some will not. For those who do not, I hope that they will find flexible work arrangements or alternate practice settings that will allow them to stay in the profession and make it through the most challenging years of the work-life struggle.
We must respect all choices, and we must strive to find the balance that works for each of us, understanding that the balance will shift during our careers and there will be times of greater career opportunities and times of more limited career opportunities, depending upon the situations in our personal lives. Understanding the need for that flexibility and embracing it as the rhythm of life is key to finding the balance and being happy with our choices.
The “You Can Have It All” Kool Aid of the 60’s and 70’s was just that. I know. I was there. I lived it, and I have had to struggle to continue in my profession, become a partner in a law firm and raise two children—including my daughter, who just graduated from law school—-all while being married to a fellow litigator. My husband and I celebrate our 42nd wedding anniversary this year, and every year at this time we toast ourselves for having made it in spite of those challenges.
To make it work, I have practiced law full time, part time, as of counsel, as a partner, as a chief of staff in public service, and I have taken leave of my practice for critical years when I knew that I had to be home with my children. It has not been easy, but it has been worth it. I am not proudest of graduating from a top law school and becoming a partner in a law firm. I am proudest of staying in my profession and making it work.
It is for my daughter and all the young women lawyers that I write, speak and shed light on these issues whenever possible. My message is, “Stay in your profession one way or another. If your time is not now, it will come.” The emphasis in my writing and speaking is on personal definitions of success, throwing off the male stereotypes for success that do not work for most women, making good choices and good career plans and celebrating success at every opportunity. Underlying all of this is the discussion of finding the balance that works for each individual woman and for her family.
I hope that you will check out the Best Friends at the Bar project on my web site, www.bestfriendsatthebar.com, and read a chapter of my first book, Best Friends at the Bar: What Women Need to Know about a Career in the Law (Wolters Kluwer/Aspen Publishers 2009) on Amazon. My second book, Best Friends at the Bar: The New Balance for Today’s Woman Lawyer will be released by Wolters Kluwer Law & Business in July and will be available for purchase on Amazon soon.
The new balance that I propose is work-self-home and family, and the book explores the importance of self and its role as critical to success and happiness in both personal and professional lives. The example of Anne-Marie Slaughter is one of staying true to self. I applaud her decision and the bravery she has demonstrated by sharing her story with all of us.
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