Talk to women lawyers, and many of them will tell you the same thing about gender bias.  That “same thing” is that, when they call it out, they are told that they are imagining things.  That they are imagining that they are being denied opportunities because of their gender.  That they are imagining that they are being held to different standards because they are women.  Yes, imagining it.

The explanations for why they may be imaging it are as lame as being told that “boys will be boys.”  According to my friend Andrea Kramer and her husband Alton Harris in their book, Breaking Through Bias: Communication Techniques for Women to Succeed at Work, other such lame explanations are:

• “You’re too sensitive;”
• “You can’t take a joke;”
• “We always promote the best candidate;”
• “We’re a real meritocracy; everyone is judged exclusively on their own merits;” and
• “I can assure you I am not gender biased.”

I understand this completely.  Here’s my story from so many years ago.

As a first year associate, and one of only two women lawyers in a firm of over 25 men, I was assigned to a case that required travel to gather the facts and prepare for arbitration.  As the time approached when I would be traveling with a male partner, rumors started to spread in the law firm.  A particular partner was speculating aloud about a man and a woman traveling together and “one thing leading to another.”  He was using my name and including me in compromising scenarios, and it was despicable.

It also was a first.  Because I and one other female were the first women lawyers at the firm, traveling with a male colleague was a new topic of conversation.  And, the conversation was salacious.  By the time that I became aware of it, something had to be done.  Several of the other male partners offered to help, but I declined their offers.  I told them that I would take care of it myself.

So, I walked into the offending partner’s office and asked to have a word with him.  I also asked for permission to close the door, and after I did, I made it clear to him that I knew what he was saying and that I found it completely unprofessional.  I told him that I was a happily married woman and that his remarks were harming my husband as much as they were harming me.

His response was lame.  “Why, Susan, you don’t have a sense of humor,”  to which I replied, “And Mr. X, you don’t have a sense of dignity.”  I told him that I found his behavior very offensive and that it was not what I expected when I joined the law firm.   And, I told him that it needed to stop immediately.

It did stop.  He stopped the offensive speculation, and he also stopped talking to me entirely.   In fact, he did not talk to me for almost six months.  That also meant that he was not looking down my blouse or commenting on my perfume during that same time period.  AND, when he did start talking to me again, it was with new-found respect.

Remember, he was a partner, and I was a first year associate. Yes, my knees were knocking when I walked into his office.  Yes, I did not know where the conversation would lead.  Yes, I was taking a chance with my job.  But I also knew something else.

You should NEVER, put up with lame excuses for being treated unfairly because you are a woman.  Face down gender bias.  If it means that you must leave your employer, you will know that it was no place for you to begin with.

No job is worth being demeaned and disrespected.